


Despair in the Heart of Love

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy through Adam's eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Despair in the Heart of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Another old fic posted here. <3

He's never met a straight guy who's so comfortable with affection. Tommy comes close, never pushing, never asking for anything, yet still almost like begging to be acknowledged. And Adam indulges, every freaking time. He can't help the way he wants to give Tommy whatever he needs.

And it starts so innocently. 

Their first hug is tentative. Tommy is careful, trying to hide how much he wants to press his face against Adam's chest, but Adam won't have it. He puts his palm behind Tommy's head and forces him closer, breathes in so he can take him right there, so close there's nothing between them, no air, no thoughts, just feeling. And it's like a reward when Tommy relaxes in his arms, and then pulls him into a tight embrace of his own. The strength surprises him, and he lets out a startled laugh. 

Tommy laughs with him, and it feels like an old friend has returned home. 

The first time he kisses Tommy it's a whim, a spur of the moment kind of thing that causes him gray hairs even months after. He gets like that sometimes. It's in his blood, that beat, that sexual predator, and he sometimes follows it without thinking. At the back of his mind he fears that Tommy might not take it well, but he can't stop it, can't resist the adrenaline in his blood - the fall, the lyrics, the tension, the fucking expectations - and he grabs Tommy and forces him to take probably the most brutal kiss his ever received. Tommy yields, doesn't fight, and it's such a turn on he's rock hard the rest of the song. 

His vocals sucked ass, he made people angry, he fucking fell in front of millions of people, but there's that one voice that stops his heart: "Rock 'n' roll, baby." The grin on Tommy's face is maybe a bit hesitant, but it's so real, so there that nothing else matters. He can deal. He has solid ground under his feet. 

It drives him nuts that Tommy is a kaleidoscope. His flat tone and his wandering hands are no match for his sharp tongue and even sharper wit. Adam can't figure him out. They go to Cabo and spend time together, get to know each other like he always does with his people. He wants to know everything, but Tommy mostly chooses not to share. The more Tommy keeps things to himself, the more Adam wants to know. He feels like a brain surgeon, carefully opening all the layers that hide Tommy's mind. 

And that mind is so freaking weird. It's constantly ticking. That at least Adam has been able to figure out. Tommy is burning up inside. He's on a wire. A typical Libra. He's balancing between despair and joy, like those two are in any way opposite forces. 

But what really surprises Adam is the depth of feeling he finds. It's a bottomless pit. The more he pushes through those webs Tommy has created in front of himself the more he realizes that there's nothing much but love inside him. He finds don't-fuck-with-me there, too, and he recognizes the kinky slut like looking in a mirror, but mostly, under all those insecurities and funky ideas, Tommy is love, affection, desire to be close. It honestly shakes him to the core because he thought he was all about love and acceptance and joy and peace on motherfucking earth. Tommy is different. There's turmoil and thunderstorms, but also so much quiet space that Adam could wander around for years and he would never get from one end to another. 

It becomes clear pretty fast that if they want to keep Tommy happy they have to let him come to them. Tommy hates any kind of pushing, and Adam has been doing that a lot. He just hasn't realized that his questions have been intrusive. But it seems he can ask anything he wants if he chooses the right time and gives some kind of a warning first. 

And if he really wants to get something out of the pretty kitty all he has to do is give him a drink. It's a camouflage. Adam watches Tommy often, and it's that same drink he holds for hours, but it helps, makes him loose and relaxed. And that slutty side surfaces. 

He's had Tommy's tongue in his ear while those long, long, long fingers slide over his thigh, so close, sometimes touching, sometimes teasing. Mostly teasing. 

Tommy always sits between people because he wants to be close to them. He gets more when he squeezes himself between two people. Usually one of those people is Adam. He's noticed that. He knows that he's someone special to Tommy. He can see that in everything Tommy does. The way he looks at him. The way he talks about him. The way he becomes more vivid, like he lives more when Adam is there. It's both scary and flattering, but also very, very sweet. He wants to give what Tommy needs. It's almost like a game. He sees something, and he tries to give what he thinks Tommy needs, but he can't do that always because not everything is his to give. He can't wipe away any insecurities. He can't be available twenty-four seven. Sometimes he would like to be. But Tommy never asks. 

When the tour starts it's clear they are family to each other. It's work, but it's also fun. It's a dream come true for all of them, and Adam gets a kick out of watching Tommy experience everything for the first time. The first soundcheck of the tour. The first walk to the stage. The first drum beat. The first screams. 

Adam loves to see Tommy come to life. He sparkles on stage, a little glitter monster. He fits there so perfectly, and Adam finds it fascinating, finds himself gravitating towards Tommy. They are in each other's personal space all the time, and not just because the crowd seems to love it. It's just natural. At first it's almost like an experiment, but soon Adam finds it impossible not to pull Tommy's hair or drape his arm around his shoulders. The music takes him over, and it's good that he has something that lets him release all that extra energy. Tommy is his fuse.

There are times when he wishes he could read minds. Tommy pulls away easily, is quiet and withdrawn. Or he can be absolutely insanely crazy, noisy, creative bastard who can make anyone laugh out loud. But mostly he's sweet, so warm nobody can resist him. Sasha and Cam have adopted him. Brooke gives him pet names. Sutan uses him as a make up crash test dummy. Neil talks politics with him. Monte teaches him every trick he knows just because Tommy really listens and learns and takes it to the heart. Everyone loves him, and everyone wants him to be happy. 

It's clear Tommy is grateful. He's also profoundly humble, and terribly bad at seeing how awesome he is himself. He's not happy. He carries the world on his thin shoulders, and Adam would like to make that load a little lighter. He just doesn't know how. He can't figure out why there even is something that needs to be carried, except the normal things life creates. Tommy carries something else. And it's also the reason why he sometimes leaves the main room and goes to his bunk, watches something, listens to something, concentrates on nothing but breathing.

One night in Texas, Adam decides to ask him: "Desperation, Tommy, tell me about it?" They're watching Event Horizon, lying on Adam's bed, their bent knees touching. Or Tommy is watching it; Adam tries not to even listen to the stupid thing because it's one of those psychological horror movies that make his mind race. He hates nightmares. 

"Huh?" Tommy says, absentminded. 

"I can see it in your eyes sometimes. It's like a veil in front of everything. Where does it come from?" He's not sure if he's going too far right now because he hasn't given Tommy any warning. He hasn't waited for the right time. It's not the right time at all. But he's been wondering about this, and it's coming out now whether he likes it or not. 

Tommy turns to look at him, brown eyes guarded. He feels cornered, Adam can tell, and he wants to kick himself for it. "You don't really want to talk about this," Tommy says quietly.

That shocks him. Tommy didn't say _he_ doesn't want to talk it. "There's nothing I wouldn't want to talk about with you." It's the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He's an open book to the world, but people don't really know how much more he prefers to listen. 

Adam looks at all the different emotions shifting on Tommy's face, how he makes the decision, how open he looks when he decides that Adam is honest, that he wants to hear. The openness is almost painful because what they're talking about now is not something simple. 

"I can never be what people want from me, what I would like to be to them. That's why."

Adam doesn't understand at all. "You're so much more than you realize."

"I know what I am. I know what I do. I know. But it can't be enough, ever."

"Why?" It's a mere whisper because he's too shocked to use his voice. 

"Look around. Look anywhere. Look at anyone. Everything hurts. Everyone hurts. The whole world is crying. I feel that." Tommy covers his face with his arm. "I feel their pain. And I can do absolutely nothing about it."

"You can. You do." Adam touches Tommy's bare forearm, slides his fingers over the ink. 

"No, Adam, I can't. I'm a selfish bastard. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to help anyone. I just want to be. I just want to live my own life. I want this, what we have. I don't want to think about this. I don't want... I just want to live." Tommy sighs. "This... what I feel... someone else should have it. Someone like you who can do things, who actually knows how to change things, who acts and is just right for the job. You change the world. I just want to hide from it."

"You really don't see what you do?" Adam captures Tommy's wrist and pulls his arm off his face. Tommy opens his eyes. He looks so frustrated and angry, so defiant. "You have no idea..."

"I don't do anything."

Adam smiles because Tommy couldn't be more wrong. "Yeah, you do. Against your nature maybe, but you do. All the time. Baby, you're an example. You fight your own battles. You do what you believe in. You won't let anyone pull you down. You keep your head high. You are honest to the core. You're simply you. And that speaks to people. Even that is enough in itself."

This is those moments he would like to be able to read minds because Tommy blushes and turns his face to the side. It's so endearing he has to kiss the side of Tommy's face and then whisper in his ear, "I love the way you are. You'll be so many things. You'll grow. You'll do all kinds of crazy things later in life. But it doesn't matter at all right now because you are enough as you are. Everything about you is enough. Every single thing. Don't push yourself. You don't have to."

Tommy relaxes under his touch, lets Adam brush his fingers through his hair, lets him tilt his head back and look into his eyes. 

"I love you," Adam says, and those words turn Tommy's eyes black. There's a faint smile on his lips, and Adam captures it with his. They don't kiss much off-stage, but sometimes words aren't enough and this is the only way to tell how deep their feelings run. Tommy kisses him back, his tongue finding Adam's, licking, playing, sliding into his mouth so easily. 

It feels good, and he wants more, and when that happens he pulls back. "You're going to find a way to balance everything. Don't worry." 

When Tommy lifts his head up to get another kiss from Adam he indulges because he wants to give Tommy whatever he needs.

 

The End


End file.
